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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Resident Evil 4

Time for a shooter game! Resident Evil 4 takes place in Spain after the President's daughter gets kidnapped by.....some weirdos no one knows about. Leon S. Kennedy makes his return from RE2 to star in this game.

It begins with two drivers taking Leon to...basically the ass of Spain. They make a few jokes and Leon leaves down the only road in front of him. There's a house sitting there. Looks cozy. What to do but go inside? Leon just walks into someone's house and begins asking the guy if he's seen the girl in the picture (Ashley; Presiden'ts daughter). The sort of zombie-ish guy (he's got blood on his face) says something in Spanish (I think it's "What the hell are you doing here? Get out!" and grabs the axe and prepares for battle! He subsequently is murdered. A truck comes blasting out of the forest and hits the driver's car! Oh noez! Leon is stuck! He traverses his way down a crazy Spanish people ridden path until he finds a village. There's a dead guy in a fire tied to a pole (it's one of the drivers!). The villagers are going about their business when they notice Leon! They attack him mercilessly! Find the Shotgun and blow their brains out! A guy with a chainsaw comes out (actually, two) and try to saw your head off! After some amount of time, the church bell rings and the villagers leave to pray. Leon mutters "Where'd everyone go? Bingo?" and continues exploring the village. He meets Louis (an ex Spanish policeman, apparently) and saves both their lives from a villager with an axe.

Later on, Leon fights the first boss! Del Lago! Del Lago is just a giant mutated fish. He's adorable! In some spooky dream, some people inject something into Leon! My gawd! Eventually, you meet the village leader, Bitores Mendez. He's not exactly what you'd call beautiful....I mean, I don't think anyone over 7 feet tall with a beard that's 2 feet long is pretty, but that's just me. He tries to kill Leon, but stops himself and leaves because Leon "carries the same blood". One could only imagine what that means.

Leon makes his way to inside the church! After a puzzle involving light and colors and whatnot, he saves Ashley! Hooray! But, the adventure's not over yet. There's only been 3 paragraphs! The two make their escape from the head of the cult. He's an old guy who looks like the pope, admittedly. Blah blah blah world domination blah blah blah. They use a parasite called las plagas to put the infected under mind control. Guess what the previously injected things was into Leon....Las Plagas! w00t! They've also infected Ashley! Even if they go back to America, the plagas will spread. Nice plan. Leon and Ashley get away and after fighting off hordes of villagers in a random house with Louis (who comments on Ashley's ballistics.....breasts. It makes more sense to see the cutscene.) Louis leaves for God knows what. Jack and Ashley take refuge in a castle....which belongs to another infected person: Salazar. He looks like he's 7 and like an old American Colonist. Sweet.

The castle itself is huge. It has a free Magnum, a crazy hedge maze for a key, Ada Wong, and giant bugs. Leon runs through the castle and instead of fighting villagers, there are now cultists. Radical. They're always chanting interesting things in spanish like "To live is to die". Talk about lively. Some cultists hurl giant flaming rocks at Leon, but a Sniper easily disposes of them. Ashley gets taken captive again. Ah well, less of a pain in my ass. Leon gets thrown down into the cellar/dungeon and finds himself face-to-face with some creepy plagas infested bugs. They pin Leon down and vomit acid on his face. Not quite how I want to go, that's for sure. After escaping, Leon catches up to the guys who stole Ashley and he kills them. Ashley embarks on her own little quest and her only weapons are Lanterns that you can pick up. Sweet. Interesting things happen and Leon runs from a giant stone statues coming at him! A giant bridge breaks and Leon makes the jump of faith and barely grabs onto the ledge on the other side! Up the stairs, Salazar waits for combat. He combines with this huge....bug thing. Tentacles are whipping themselves at Leon and Salazar hides himself in an area safe from harm. How does one expose him? Shoot the bugs giant eyeball. Hit it a few times and Salazar is exposed! Shoot that mofo (sniper preferred)!.

Ashley was taken away to an island and military base out at....sea? Guess so. Ada gives Leon a ride via boat to the island. The island is filled with plagas infested army members. This guys are no pushover, either. Some man machine guns, other have tasers, and one guy is just giant. Take them out, collect some spoils, and advance further. In the base, there's a pair of El Gigantes (a gigantic boss which were previously fought).Then there's....It. It is indescribable. It's like a fat of those creepy crawlies, if you will.

At the point before the Final Battle, Leon leaves Ashley behind and goes up to fight Sadler (aforementioned pope-looking guy). He transforms himself into another bug-looking thing and his body just dangles with it. There's an eyeball where his human mouth was. That things important. You should shoot at it. You could also stun him and then stab it, but whatever. At some point, Ada throws you a Rocket Launcher that could just end it. I never used it, and that's because I never actually picked it up. Oh well.

A bomb is supposed to detonate the island. Leon gets some Jetski Keys. Him and Ashley make their way way out through a cave on Jetski and Ashley starts coming on to Leon. He politely declines. They go back to the USA. The world is safe. Woohoo.

THE END! Suggestions yadda yadda yadda comments yadda yadda yadda. You know the drill.


  1. I lol'd a few times reading this post, I love your sense of humor and how you inject it into these vague runthroughs of the game in question's content.

    RE4 was pretty boss, too. Good post.

  2. Looking back, I realize there's a lot of stuff I left out....whoops haha

  3. \m/

    Gorram it Frank, what about everything past chapter 4-6?

  4. it's always the presidents daughter that gets kidnapped...